Quick answer
Most of them would tell you to get involved earlier than they did. Dads who have been through home births say to go to the prenatal appointments, do the research together with your wife, and trust the midwife when things get intense. Several of them started out skeptical or afraid, and what changed their minds was what they learned before the birth.
Key takeaways
- Many dads who now support home birth started out skeptical or afraid of it.
- The regret experienced dads mention most is not getting involved sooner, before labor began.
- Experienced dads say to do the research together with your wife instead of leaving it all to her.
- When a birth gets scary, dads say watching a calm, experienced midwife work is what steadied them.
- A partner's job keeps going after the birth, through the night feeds and the quiet first weeks.
When I was writing the book, I wanted to hear from the guys who had stood where you're about to stand. I asked the dads the same question a few different ways: what would you tell the next man whose wife wants a home birth?
Their answers were more candid than I expected. A lot of them started out where I did, unsure about all of it. Here's what they said, mostly in their own words.
Did these dads want a home birth at first?
Plenty of them didn't. Denny was blunt about it: "It was not something I ever wanted nor thought was super safe."
Seth said the fear hit once he understood what a home birth really involved. "My wife's protection. My baby's protection." When his wife first brought it up, he didn't even know what she meant. "It was completely foreign to me," he said. "But I looked at her and said, 'Yes.' In my mind I was thinking: I'll figure that out later." They went on to have four home births.
Rowan, a dad in Australia I interviewed, called himself "a believer in medicine and safety and the way it's been done for a long time." Nathan went in worried about the midwife's medical training.
If that's you, you're in good company. None of these men had it figured out at the start. What changed their minds came later, as they learned. (If you're at the very beginning, here's what to do when your wife wants a home birth and you're not sure.)
What do dads most wish they'd done differently?
Get involved sooner. Rowan caught his own daughter in a birth pool, and this was still the thing he said he'd change.
"I feel like I let Genine run the show, and that's to be understood," he told me. "But I could've contributed more in the pre-birth phase."
I recognize that. At our first birth, nobody told me what my role was, and I didn't know enough to ask.
Seth found his way in through the prenatal visits. "Our midwife Ellie took us on the journey through three to four hours of appointments," he said. "Long, scary, but also peaceful as I started to trust her and the process." Three to four hours sounds like a lot. It's also how a stranger becomes the person you trust in your house in the middle of the night.
Should I let my wife handle the research?
No. Do it with her. That was Rowan's main advice for any husband who isn't sure.
"Do the research. Do that exploration with your wife. Do it together."
Rowan, father of two home-born kids
He also said to ask questions and find a community, other families who have done this, so you aren't working it out alone.
Your wife has probably been thinking about this a lot longer than you have. Rowan's wife Genine read everything she could find. If you skip that part, you'll be trying to catch up in the middle of labor. If you do it together, you'll walk in knowing the plan and why you chose it.
Rowan was careful to say who he thinks home birth is right for: a healthy wife with a healthy pregnancy, in a healthy relationship. Your midwife is the one who screens for the medical side of that, and what the research says about home birth safety is worth reading together.
What do I do with people who think we're crazy?
Stop arguing with them. Seth went through four home births and had a simple rule for the outside noise: "Don't listen to others who haven't had a homebirth."
That's blunter than I'd put it. When family pushes back, it usually comes from love and fear, and a real worry deserves a calm answer. But Seth's point holds. You don't owe a debate to everyone with an opinion, and the advice worth weighing most comes from people who have been in the room. (I wrote more about handling family who think home birth is crazy.)
What do dads say about the scary moments?
That the midwife's calm got them through. One dad in our survey described a birth with a stuck shoulder and heavy bleeding afterward. He was panicking inside. But he watched the midwives stay focused, get the baby breathing, and take care of his wife.
"Seeing the midwives respond with such confidence, experience, and urgency gave me reassurance," he wrote. "My little family was in good hands."
Nathan, the dad who had worried about the midwife's training, said afterward: "Clearly I underestimated their knowledge and experience."
Not every planned home birth ends at home, and experienced dads treat the hospital plan as part of the plan. In the Birthplace in England study, the transfer rate for planned home births was 45% for first-time mothers and 12% for women who had given birth before. Know which hospital you'd go to, how you'd get there, and what would make the midwife call for it. Here's what a hospital transfer looks like from the partner's side.
What's the partner's job in the room?
Rowan has the best name for it I've heard. Before each birth, he and Genine agreed on the rules: what she wanted, what she didn't, and what they'd do if something changed. In the room, he held the line on those rules so she didn't have to.
"I am the sheriff. I enforce the rules, 'cause we've discussed between me and Genine what the rules are."
Rowan, father of two home-born kids
It gave him a purpose, he said, other than being "a shag on a rock," which is Australian for standing around useless. Talk through her wishes before labor and you'll have a job too. The rest of his story is in my interview with Rowan.
What do dads say about the days after the birth?
That it's easy to fade into the background, and you shouldn't. Rowan saw how simple it would be for a dad to hang back in the early weeks, the way a lot of men in his father's generation did. So he and Genine set up a system for nights. When the baby woke, Rowan picked her up and brought her to Genine to feed. When she was done, Genine would jab him in the ribs and he'd put the baby back down.
He admits it didn't save Genine many steps. What it gave him was a real part in those nights from the start.
Denny remembered the quiet after the birth team left: "Our midwife and team left within two hours. We were cuddling our son on the couch with our daughter with no people disrupting us." That stretch belongs to your family, and protecting the golden hour is one of the most useful things a partner can do.
Would these dads do it again?
Rowan answered in two words: "I'm converted." He also said something I'd like every expecting dad to hear.
"Generationally, I think we need to be more involved, as a support for our wives, and to have a valid opinion and take an interest."
A valid opinion takes some homework. Read up with her this week, and bring your questions to the next appointment.
Chapter 10 of the book, Voices of Experience, has more from these dads, alongside the moms, midwives, and doulas who answered my questionnaires.
This post is general information, not medical advice. Talk with your midwife or doctor about your own situation.
Goes deeper in
Chapter 10, Voices of Experience of Go Boil the Water: A Partner's Guide to Supporting Homebirth.
