Should I Go to the Prenatal Appointments?

Somewhere around month six, a lot of men have the same quiet realization. Their wife has found a midwife, taken a course, researched birth pools, and built a playlist for labor. And they've done roughly nothing.

There's a kind of "supportive" that's really just staying out of the way, and those aren't the same thing. The appointments are one of the easiest places to close that gap.

Do partners really need to go to prenatal appointments?

It's easy to feel like they're not for you. She's the one being examined and discussing her preferences. You can end up feeling like a piece of furniture in the corner.

Go anyway. I'd put it in the top three things you can do before the birth.

Gloria, our midwife, was direct about it:

"Come to as many appointments as possible. Those dads do a thousand percent better. They don't need to know everything, just whatever makes them a calm presence."

Gloria, midwife

The reason is simple. The midwife won't be a stranger in your house at 2 a.m. if you've sat across from her eight times over the last few months. When labor gets hard, you'll already trust her, and she'll already know you.

What happens at a home birth prenatal appointment?

Usually more than you'd expect. Home birth midwives tend to spend real time with families, and the visits often happen at your house or in a relaxed office.

Seth described his first experience this way: "Our midwife Ellie took us on the journey through three to four hours of appointments. Long, scary, but also peaceful as I started to trust her and the process."

Lauralee had the opposite experience early on with a hospital practice. She waited 30 to 45 minutes and then got a few minutes with the doctor, who asked if she had questions. "I had no idea what to ask," she said. With her midwife, it was different: "Every appointment felt like I was taking a masterclass in women's anatomy and childbirth."

That's the opportunity. You get a masterclass too, if you show up.

What should I ask at the appointments?

Bring your concerns, all of them. Nathan went in worried about the midwife's medical training. After meeting her, he said he had "clearly underestimated their knowledge and experience." That only happens if you're in the room asking.

A few questions worth bringing:

• What would make you recommend a hospital transfer, and how fast could it happen?
• What emergency equipment do you carry?
• What does each stage of labor look like, and how will I know when things are changing?
• What do you need from me during labor? What should I not do?
• Who should be in the room, and what's each person's role?

The third one is worth spending time on. One mom told me she wished her husband had understood the different stages of labor so he could meet her where she was instead of reacting to what he didn't recognize. Mikayla wished her husband had learned to tell when a contraction started and ended just by watching her. Your midwife can teach you that.

What if my schedule doesn't allow it?

Go to what you can, and prioritize the first consultation, any appointment where the birth plan or transfer plan is discussed, and the home visit many midwives do late in pregnancy. If you miss one, ask your wife what was covered and send the midwife your questions.

Mary, our doula, has attended more than 150 births. Her advice to partners was short: "Don't take a back seat role. Put yourselves upfront for the best experience."

The birth doesn't start when labor does. Chapter 5 of the book covers everything that happens before the room.